


you made an island of me

by quick_ly



Category: Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Coming of Age, F/M, Gen, Post-Series, pretentious as all hell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-27
Updated: 2014-07-27
Packaged: 2018-02-10 14:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2028297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quick_ly/pseuds/quick_ly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hero’s not going to… try to justify why she did what she did, and what the deep meanings are behind it and what it means for the gang, or whatever. She did it and it’s done, and she would really appreciate if people would stop asking her about it: she’s starting to get frustrated, and Hero hates being frustrated, especially with people, because that verges on anger and she hates being angry with people." Hero through the years post-series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you made an island of me

**Author's Note:**

> Gah. Okay, here's my thing, a Hero fic that I literally wrote in one night, and that has possibly made Hero my favorite NMTD character? I don't know. I think she's probably one of the hardest characters to write because her voice is so... different from my own, in a way that Bea's is not. Like, she's easy to write on a superficial level (i.e. what she says, conversations with others, etc.), but it was really weird getting inside her head and writing from her perspective, cause I wanted to be true to her, but at the same time, I wanted it to feel real. And I also didn't want to do that thing that constantly happens with really nice people, where it's felt that they have to become "rougher" or "bitter" in order to be real people, implying that there is something wrong with just being a nice person. This isn't meant to do that. It's more... how the events of the story effect Hero in terms of her growing up, and what sort of person she turns out being (cause she's sixteen - change is gonna happen). I'm not super happy with how I got her voice (I'm not sure it's right), but there ya go.
> 
> Spoilers for the play (even if it technically diverts from it - this is not Hero ending up happy with Claudio, I should say). Title taken from Fiona Apple song "Werewolf", which you should all go listen to cause it's fantastic and also is the perfect Hero song (at least, in a universe where she and Claudio don't end up together).

_“How much better is silence; the coffee cup, the table. How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. Let me sit here for ever with bare things, this coffee cup, this knife, this fork, things in themselves, myself being myself.”_

-  Virginia Woolf

 

 

 

Hero’s not going to… try to justify why she did what she did, and what the deep meanings are behind it and what it means for the gang, or whatever. She did it and it’s done, and she would really appreciate if people would stop asking her about it: she’s starting to get frustrated, and Hero hates being frustrated, especially with people, because that verges on anger and she _hates_ being angry with people.

… Okay?

 

 

 

It’s not like anyone is particularly surprised by it – he doesn’t exactly make a grand case for himself (words like _I’m sorry_ and _I love you_ and _I’ll never do anything like that again_ maybe sound nice in theory, but when you’ve been betrayed by your first boyfriend in so terrible a manner, they’re also pretty meaningless), says the things he should, looks like he’s sorry cause she can tell he is, but even Claudio knows it’s in vain; after everything that has happened, nobody really still sees the universe where they’re happy and in love again. People don’t expect it, it doesn’t happen, and then people pretend like they didn’t see it coming from a mile away. It’s both sweet and a little annoying.

But, there are still… she’ll call them looks, raises of the eyebrow. It’s different with those that aren’t actually in their little gang, the people who spent the last couple months spreading rumors about them and trying to listen in on their conversations. People aren’t surprised with her, and they aren’t angry (as if they have any right to be). But they are still… Claudio is a nice guy, he’d like to still be dating her, and he has this funny way of making it completely obvious without actually saying anything. It makes Hero mad, because it makes her feel guilty, and she doesn’t want to and doesn’t need to and – doesn’t care that everyone in school feels bad for Claudio and thinks she’s a bitch (she doesn’t like using that sort of language, but _ugh!_ ), that it’s slightly awkward for their friend group, that Bea has been forced to ask her multiple times if she needs to beat Claude up. She hates that it’s this way – she _hates_ that she’s causing discomfort for anyone. She told Claudio that she wanted to be friends, had meant it with all her heart, because at the time, they’d really thought everything was going to go back to the way it was. Sure, a couple things were different (her and Claudio had been replaced by Beatrice and Benedick, and… she’s pretty sure Balthazar and Pedro? Hero has been getting romantic vibes; she’s pretty positive it’s happening), but they were all still the same. They were friends before her and Claude started dating, who was to say they couldn’t be after? The last couple months had been _so terrible_ , she wanted them to have been for something, even if it was just getting the old gang back together. Bea and Ben would date, Pedro and Balth would date, her and Claudio would be friends, Meg and Ursula would continue to be the best (since they had been so _so_ nice to her over the last few months). It’s would all work out, she tried to tell herself, even as the reality of the situation seeped in. It would be as though her birthday never happened, she told herself.

Hero’s generally a happy person. She likes things that are nice and sweet, doesn’t like thing that are mean or sad. Maybe she doesn’t, really, believe things can be like they were, but she has to try. She ignores her head telling her that it might not go over so well, that there is still tension and anger and that, if it ever subsides, it won’t be for some time. Everyone else seems to believe that things can be like they were; why can’t she?

(… This is when Hero becomes a person who likes to be alone.)

 

 

 

It’s not as though Hero had ever been a particularly social person. She’d never had a best friend, but she did always have people she hung out with and loved but didn’t need to see every single day (aside from the last couple months, with the girls spending pretty much every single second they could with her as to try and make sure Hero didn’t break down). And, honestly, she liked being home, liked doing things on her own. She wasn’t Beatrice, who always liked to have someone around to talk to and just be with, who would literally go to Hero's room just to read a book. Hero was slightly more amiable about spending time with people. If she did, she did; if she didn’t, she didn’t. It’s not like she hated to be around others, or to be out and doing things, but it wasn’t a necessity, didn’t really have a major impact on her happiness. If given the option of going to a party, or staying home, baking a cake, and watching a movie, she’d probably sheepishly pick the latter. It wasn’t personal, just… where she felt comfortable.

But people always wanted to spend time with her, and she… didn’t ever want to disappoint someone, or make them unhappy. And she did like being with people sometimes. She’d always like to see her friends if they were happy, she always liked to hear how other were doing. At the height of their relationship, she loved spending time with Claudio. Beatrice was always sometime she could count on to make her smile.

She wasn’t a loner, that’s for sure. She just wasn’t opposed to being alone.

 

 

 

It starts okay. They’ll hang out, as a group, and it’ll actually be nice, them all joking about and having a good time. It’s awkward, for sure, but not terribly so. They’d go watch the guy’s game, and hang out after. Meg would throw a _Harry Potter_ marathon, and they’d all debate about Hogwarts houses (there are fewer things funnier than watching stubborn Bea trying to defend her old assertion that Ben is a muggle, despite now being infatuated with him). Claudio would say something funny to Hero, and she’d burst out laughing, unable to contain her giant smile. For a while, things were quite good.

But it’s a façade, Hero begins to see. Claudio says what he says cause he wants her back, not cause he believes in their friendship. Pedro doesn’t just worship the ground she walks on cause he thinks she the greatest thing on earth, but because he feels an immense level of guilt and feels the need to rectify it. Everyone is so nice and considerate and kind, but it’s only because… she’s not saying they’re bad people, and she’s not saying they don’t love her. But just, right now, they don’t really know how to act around her, and she feels terrible about it.

So the next time Beatrice comes in her room to say that Ben’s about to pick them up to go hang with Pedro and the gang, Hero grabs the closest book she can find, and starts going on about how much she’s loving it, and that she’s almost done, and that, if it’s alright, she’d really rather spend the night finishing it.

“You know, I started reading this just today, and I haven’t been able to stop. It’s so… so brilliant, really just incredible,” she goes on. “Could you possibly let everyone know that I simply just couldn’t tear myself away from it tonight? I’ll come next time.”

And Bea gives her an odd sort of look, because it’s not like Hero to lie (Bea’s not an idiot) or to not want to see people she cares for, but Bea also knows that it’s been weird for Hero lately, and if she’d rather not go make awkward chit-chat with Claudio, she has every right not to. Says that she’ll let everyone know Hero is sorry, and that she’ll see her whenever her and Ben get back.

Hero just lets out a sigh, before looking over the book she’d grabbed (something for school that she hadn’t started). She ends up spending her night drinking Tea, making muffins, and reading _The Bell Jar_. It’s the nicest time she’s had in weeks.

 

 

 

The wonderful thing about being alone, she discovers, is that you get to spend even more time just in your own head. Hero understands how this could get frustrating for some people. She loves it.

She starts spending the majority of her non-school related time by herself, reading novels and just… thinking about them; about what they mean and say and _feel_. She learns how to cook, and bake more things, teaching herself what she doesn’t know and mastering what she does. She begins looking into and thinking about different kinds of art, one time going as far as to visit a gallery by herself, just so that she can dedicate all her time there to taking in the masterpieces before her. After, she swings by a nearby café and sips coffee while reading Joan Didion. It’s utterly lovely.

It’s not like she never hangs with the gang at all; they’re still her friends, and she still loves them all to pieces, loves the banter that goes on at lunch and the sleepovers Meg demands, still loves listening to Balthazar play his newest song for her, and being part of Ursula’s videos. But… they’re all about to graduate, and are attempting to make plans for their futures. Bea is always game to talk, but she’s also fallen in love for the first time, and Hero thinks it only natural that she spends so much time with Ben. Dogberry and Verges are definitely sweet, but they’re always off doing their own thing, which Hero isn’t particularly interested in. Claudio would probably hang out if she wanted to, but she doesn’t.

It’s easier if she just spends most of her time alone. She _likes_ spending most of her time alone. Soon enough, she’s going to be spending all her time by herself whether she likes it or not. Might as well get the hang of it.

 

 

 

Everyone graduates, spends a month mulling about and getting their shit together, and then all go off on their post-Messina adventures. Hero is now left with the sole company of Dogberry and Verges, plus a couple other friends who she’s always liked but is hardly close with. She doesn’t get out much. Instead, she spends her senior year reading the complete works of William Shakespeare ( _A Midsummer Night’s Dream_ is her favorite; she likes it for the fairies and magic and all, but mostly because everyone ends up so well suited and happy. It makes her uncontrollably glad).

Her senior year also consists of the following: learning how to bake a chocolate soufflé, starting a collection of dried flowers, figuring out where she wants to go next year (she’s thinking Italy?), deciding that she might be interested in art history on an actual academic level (which, is quite scary when she thinks about it…), becoming immersed in the music of Joni Mitchell, receiving a drunken phone call from Claudio on the night of her birthday – listening to him go on about how truly terrible he’s feels about what happened and how he still loves her (it only makes her depressed, actually, that after the entirety of the past year he’s still holding onto some fantasy that they might reconcile (Bea’s words); she feels guilty, hates herself for it, hates that she hates herself, and so on; he calls again in the morning apologizing, but she doesn’t pick up, just lets it go to voicemail), studying French to the point where she technically knows it conversationally, grows out her hair so that it’s long and luscious and goes past her shoulders, goes on a date with this guy Harry (he’s sweet and charming and thoughtful, and they have a nice time, but she isn’t exactly heartbroken when he doesn’t call her back), going to a senior party and gets properly drunk for the first time, making out with a really cute guy she doesn’t know that well at said party, looking up hangover remedies for the first time (Bea spends a full five minutes laughing about it when Hero tell her over the phone – she can also hear Ben in the background chuckling), developing an intense crush on James Dean, attempting and failing to paint a watercolor (this is when studying art from a more academic level starts to seem like a slightly sounder option), marathoning all of _In The Flesh_ in a single night and proceeding to spend an inordinate about of time crying about it (she only stops after watching _Broad City_ ), writing a final English paper that somehow ends with her realizing _Play It As It Lays_ is her new favorite book (when did that happen?), taking part in multiple webchats with the gang, graduating with honors and smiles and hugs…

It’s a pretty busy year considering not all that much happens. As least she can say that she had something to do, as opposed to nothing much.

 

 

 

Italy is beautiful. Italy is wonderful. Italy is where she decides that, yes, it might not pay anything and could lead to nothing at all, but art history is the major of her future. Italy is where she sees art like she’s never seen it before, where she’s utterly mesmerized; it’s where she feels a connection to art that she’s never felt before. It’s also where she flirts with cute Italian boys and thinks that _A Room with a View_ is her favorite book. It’s where she takes photos that are gorgeous (if only because she’s in freaking Italy and it would be impossible for them not to be) and eats delicious food and listens to Sibylle Baier and Edith Piaf and Billie Holiday. But mostly it’s where she falls in love with art.

 

 

 

Before she goes off to college, there’s a reunion of sorts, since the whole gang is back for the summer holidays. Pedro organizes it at his house, says that everyone must come as their favorite literary character (college has made him a bit pretentious – but she’s also felt that a painting has spoken to her, so clearly she is one to talk). Bea, Hero, and Meg have a fun time picking out costumes (Bea as the creature from _Frankenstein_ , Hero as Daisy Buchanan (favorite book is currently _The Great Gatsby_ ), and Meg as Katniss (“I mean, wouldn’t say it’s necessarily my favorite book of all time, but sexy Jennifer Lawrence? Obviously I’m going for that!”), and it almost feels like it did before, when they were all trying on various costumes and giving Hero advice on Claudio and listening as Bea called Ben a dick. It’s sweet and fun, and for a moment Hero thinks that maybe she misses this; misses the time when they would all just hang out and laugh and be silly. She knows she misses being that unconditionally happy, having never had her heart broken (she’s still a happy person now, but it’s… different, slightly more layered; it’s not the sweet and pure happiness of fifteen). She misses it, but at the same time, doesn’t at all.

When they arrive at the party, she spots Claudio first, grabbing a drink and laughing with Pedro, and her immediate thought is, _he looks older_. She’d contemplated the fact that he’d probably be at the party (he’s the only one that she hasn’t ran into yet, actually: she’s obviously seen a lot of Bea and Ben, but had also hung with Meg and Ursula on separate occasions, and even went out to lunch with Balthazar and Pedro a few days prior), had known in the back of her head that he most certainly would be, but didn’t exactly want to think about it. The last time they’d interacted had been the summer previously, him apologizing about the messages he left and her trying to act like it wasn’t incredibly awkward (not to mention a little annoying). When he sees her, he smiles, and she gets a queasy feeling in her stomach.

They end up only talking for a couple minutes, making really awkward chit-chat and avoiding each other’s eyes. It ends with Claudio revealing that he’s dating someone at college (he’s very weird about it – mumbles the words out as though he’s betrayed her… again), and Hero wishing him luck with it, before going over and joining Beatrice on the couch.

“So you and Claudio had a nice edition of your one yearly conversation, hun?”

“I’d say.” Pause. Then. “He’s got a girlfriend.”

“Ah, and he found it necessary to tell you? Because, you know, that’s obviously information that’s so imperative to your life.”

Hero raises her eyebrow, though doesn’t disagree. “Oh, don’t be mean Bea. If Claudio feels he should tell me he has a girlfriend, he’s welcome to.”

Beatrice just laughs. “Yeah, but he’s not telling just to be respectful or whatever that shit you just said is supposed to mean. He’s doing it cause he wants you to care. And, you don’t.”

Hero scoffs at that, taking a large sip of her drink. She hates when Beatrice makes assumptions about her that aren’t nice; she hates them because they’re almost always right.

(Sometimes, Hero likes to pretend that she truly likes everyone she meets – that there isn’t anyone who terribly bugs or annoys her. She doesn’t like not liking someone; she usually ends up feeling guilty about it. There are obviously exceptions (like, she has no problem hating on Hitler, or any other terrible dictators for that matter), but for the most part, with people who she knows in her life and are generally nice, she hates disliking anyone. Hero isn’t Beatrice, who can practically find reasons to hate someone at the drop of a hat. She’s slightly more discriminatory with the people she doesn’t get on with, and even so, she tries to give them the benefit of the doubt and not make it obvious.

Beatrice has a way of always seeing right through her in these situations. It can be quite annoying.)

 

 

 

College is… a nice change from Auckland, less nice a change from Italy (she wants to go back there every time she things about it). College is declaring herself an art history major and immediately becoming aware of how much work it’ll be, trading in her cute tops and circle skits for giant sweaters and jeans. It’s immersing herself in art in a way that’s entirely new (now it’s not just looking and being mesmerized and remembering whatever she remembers, it’s getting down to business and learning all the facts and trying to remember a million different dates.)

Sometimes, it’s going to trendy clubs and parties and generally just being an awkward person who wants to go home (and eventually does, after hanging out long enough as not to seem rude). It’s reading _On the Road_ and deciding that it’s her favorite book, even if it lags in some parts and Jack Kerouac doesn’t really seem like that great a guy. It’s listening to Fleetwood Mac and getting high with that cute American guy Aaron down the hall (ok, _one_ time it’s getting high with him, but it’s… she really likes this one!) Then, it’s falling in love with Aaron, really properly falling in love for the first time. It’s wanting to be with him every second of every day, kissing in art galleries and asking his roommate if they could have some _privacy_. It’s thinking that maybe… maybe this is the one, maybe this is the guy she’s going to marry. It’s dating for an entirety of three years.

It’s breaking up at the beginning of senior year, under the pretenses of _moving in different directions_. (Ugh, maybe that is why they end it. They do want different things, it’s not like that’s a lie, necessarily. Hero can’t even really tell. She just knows it’s not particularly surprising, that it more or less has been coming for a while. And she knows it wasn’t her idea.) It’s heartbreak like… she’s been heartbroken before, she doesn’t deny it. But never like this, not with someone she loved so fully and completely and utterly, who she knew with such an intensity. It’s calling up Beatrice late at night, trying to fight back tears.

(Her favorite book during this period is _Tess of the d'Urbervilles_ , which is a surprise to absolute no one.)

 

 

 

Senior year is studying harder, working more, completely dedicating herself to her final projects and getting into grad school. Senior year is Tina Fey and Mindy Kaling, then it’s Nick Hornby and David Sedaris. It’s Rilo Kiley and Beck, and absolutely no Mumford and Sons. It would be watching a lot of _Parks and Recreation_ , if she had time, but more so it’s a lot of nights spent at her desk, practically pulling out her hair over school work. It’s going to one single party to try and let loose, and getting drunk and hooking up with that one cute guy who she thinks she had a class with a few years ago. It’s regretting it in the morning but also not really at all.

(She doesn’t really have a favorite book during this period; she reads what she reads when she had time, then puts it down and goes back to school stuff.)

Senior year is where she remembers again that she’s a loner; maybe she wasn’t when she was sixteen, but she sure as hell is now. Senior year is accepting that, despite her general sweet temperament, the years have made a small cynic out of her. Senior year is fully appreciating that she isn’t the same person she was at fifteen, and that’s okay. You can be nice, and sweet and cute and whatever, and still dislike people, still get irrationally annoyed at strangers and ex-boyfriends and whatever. Senior year is confronting the fact that sometimes life can be unfair. Sometimes life can be sad.

Senior year is realizing that she’s beginning to morph into the person she’s going to be in life, and being both excited and terrified by it. Senior year is discovering that she has no idea what she’s doing.

 

 

 

Meg gets married on a Saturday.

She invites the entire gang from school, because it’s Meg and she’s always going on about how she wishes they all saw more of each other. Hero, Beatrice, and Ursula are bridesmaids, obviously (she scoffs at Hero’s remarks about being surprised), and they’re all given short pastel pink dresses and flowers to put in their hair, which Hero thinks is sweet and Bea can’t help silently complaining about. (Then again, Hero also has to drag her away from Ben, Pedro, Balthazar and a bottle of wine at one point, so clearly the flowers are the least of her problems.

“Honestly, you guys couldn’t wait until after the ceremony?”

“We were reminiscing, Hero!”

“You wake up in Ben’s arms every day. What on earth could you be reminiscing about – last night?”

“Well… Pedro and Balth aren’t in our bed. So, ha!”

When exactly did Hero become the adult of the group?)

The ceremony is beautiful, one of those completely perfect affairs that can even get to the at-present heartbroken-and-cynical (see: Hero). Meg’s recent husband is a crazy sweet guy she’s been with for two or three years, who makes her smile and laugh and occasionally inspire been-together-for-like-six-fucking-years-and-are-totally-commited-yet-like-pretending-they’re-disgusted-by-this-stuff couple Benedick and Beatrice to snap “gross” in unison, like they’ve never done the same thing. (The walls were thin in their house, and Hero’s room was right next to Bea’s. That’s all she’s saying.) (Okay, that, and those guys needs to pick a side already – they go back and forth between being grossed out by couple stud and declaring they’re the best couple around.) It’s the kind of wedding where you know the couple will stay together, and you can’t help being joyous about it. It’s also the sort of friend-reunion-thing where you know it’s the first of many (again, Ben and Bea have been together for years, and between Hero and Bea, marriage is something they’ve talk about and it’s on the table; Balth and Pedro have been on and off since high school, but it’s been on for a while now, and they look pretty happy on the dance floor; Claudio and… whoever that girl is, but Hero’s seen her face on Facebook for a while now, so it’s hardly new – they seem pretty happy, to the point where he’ll occasionally glance over and give Hero sympathetic looks. It’s kind of sickening. Just like being at a wedding when you’re still getting over a break-up… six months later). It’s sweet because she can tell another wedding is on the horizon. It’s less sweet because it isn’t hers by a long shot.

She finds herself sitting alone at the bar. It’s hardly surprising.

One of the best men walks up and orders a gin and tonic (what Hero is drinking; she’ll give the guy this, he’s got taste). After a moment, he glances at Hero. “Hey, you were one of the bridesmaids, right?”

They were in the same wedding party, and she’s literally wearing the official bridesmaid dress. She’s just drunk and depressed enough to find his stupidity utterly annoying. “Yup, bridesmaid here.”

The guy smiles. “You know, a lot of times, it’s customary for the hottest bridesmaid and best men to, well… you know…”

At this, Hero actually looks up from her drink. Is he… is this guy seriously doing that? Like, really? She’s just trying to get drunk alone and in peace, and this schlep of a best man waltzes up to her and _tries this_.

He continues. “This is why… I think it only fair… that you go up to little Tommy over there and give him in the time of his life.”

They both glance over at Tommy, a fourteen year old wedding party member with a terrible case of acne and a really shitty attitude problem, who seems to be staring down another teenage guest. The guy smirks, his joke properly executed, and Hero bursts out laughing.

“That’s funny. I mean, it’s kind of… really of stupid, not to mention _mean_. But it is funny.”

The guy laughs. “You just described me perfectly.”

Hero chuckles again at this, despite herself, and the guy takes a seat as his drink comes. “You’re Hero, right?”

“Yeah,” she says, sitting up. “And you’re… _Jac…k…so…n?_ ”

“Jay.”

Here squeezes her eyes shut. “Oh god, I’m sorry. I’ve been… slightly distracted this week.”

“It’s okay. I had to ask another bridesmaid your name,” Jay says with a smile.

“Ah, so we’re both distracted.”

“Yeah, well,” he starts, taking a sip of his drink. “Attending a wedding when your recently single is one thing, but actually being in it… it can be kind of a lot to handle.”

“Oh, I get that. When Meg originally told me about this, I thought I’d be bringing my boyfriend. Funny how things change.”

“Yup. Well, silver lining, I guess. If we were still with the exes, I wouldn’t have this a chance to flirt with the prettiest bridesmaid.” He says it with just enough of a doofy smile that Hero can tell he’s at least part joking, and she rolls her eyes to stop herself from smiling.

“Your tactics were better when you were trying to set me up with Tommy.”

“Noted.” He takes a sip of his drink, and Hero briefly looks around the room, at all her friends who are so happy, in relationships and not. Sometimes, just looking at them is enough to remind her of the past. That doesn’t really happen now. She’s just so happy with how they’ve all grown up.

Hero turns back to Jay, who, she’ll be the first to admit, it pretty damn cute, in a dorky-nerd way; brown skin, a Jim Halpert haircut, and deep, chocolate eyes. “So, Jay, what is it that you do when you’re not talking up bridesmaids?”

“High school teacher. I’m just about to start teaching my second year of art history, actually.”

 

 

 

Her favorite book is _The Little Prince_.

 

 

 

_fin._


End file.
